I cannot find my penis.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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