Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
