my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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