Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
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