I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
