She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
