If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize