They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
