You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
