Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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