i don't like sucking hair
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
