I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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