new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
