i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
