there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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