I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
