Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
did i walk over a car last night?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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