And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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