My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
