Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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