god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
