I'm so fucking centered right now
Question. A woman tells her guy she's on birth control. Stops taking it to have a kid to force the guy to be responsible and with her. What rights does that guy have
None he's f-d
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
