our cab driver is having phone sex.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize