why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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