which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
