i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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