I think I won the penis lottery.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
