im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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