My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
