and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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