The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
