Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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