I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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