Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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