this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
