pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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