you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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