Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
