Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
