I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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