You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
