I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
