i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
