Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
