i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
