The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
