i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
