Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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