Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
