I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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