people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
