After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
