that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
