I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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