i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
