i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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